Smile, it’s easier.

Friend: “How are you hun?”

Me: “I’m alright thanks, you?”

…because its easier to just say i’m fine than to explain what I’m really feeling.

The best way to describe what depression (for me) feels like:

  1. I get easily annoyed and irritated by the slightest turbulence
  2. (When I’m at my lowest) I feel nothing. “Meh” and “numb” are the best words for this feeling. I push people away who try to show their support.
  3. I can’t think straight, make my mind up and more times than none, my head is in la la land.
  4. I can’t put my phone down! I try to escape my own thoughts by browsing the internet or social media and before I know it, hours have gone by and I have done nothing productive (aside from the things I HAVE to do).

Others: “What do you have to be depressed about? You have beautiful sons, people who love you and you look good all the time! Cheer up, it can’t be that bad.”

Me: *stares at them blankly, changes the subject then makes a mental note to never share my feelings with them again*

Sometimes it’s difficult to express what I am really feeling to others because I can’t even figure it out myself! I’ve just about managed to make sense of my battle with depression most recently due to research, seeking professional help (therapy) and connecting with people in the same boat as myself. The worse part of all of this is the fact that I’m a mother. Some days I’m on the verge of tears and avoid anyone who will see through my smile and ask if I’m alright because I know I will break down. Breaking down is not an option when I have to keep it together in front of my children, cook dinner, make sure homework is completed, spend quality time with them together and individually, get my assignments done blah blah…In my quiet moment, when everyone is asleep, is when I break down into (sometimes) uncontrollable tears.

Writing this and publishing it is probably one of the most challenging things for me but my aim is to connect with anyone experiencing the same thing and most of all to heal.

Much love and light x