My inner saboteur

 

DANCE OPPORTUNITES… “I’m not good enough”

JOB OPPORTUNITIES… “I am not worth the pay they are offering” or “I’m worried I won’t suit the person specification”

NEW ADVENTURES… “I’m too scared to take risks”

My inner Saboteur; my arch nemesis, my dark side, my evil twin. The amount of opportunities I have let slip right through fingers or not even considered some all because I was too afraid to let myself shine and never felt worthy of anything amazing. For many years, I have battled considerably with my self-worth at the same time search for perfection. This quest has crippled my personal development to the point where I became a social recluse and would cancel or quit fantastic opportunities with friends, employers or personal gains for fear of people eventually believing that I wasnt worthy enough to receive anything positive.

Despite numerous people telling me how gifted I am, it meant nothing to me. It would go over my head or I would think they were only saying such things to cheer me up or make me feel better about myself because they felt obliged.

The funny thing is, I’m naturally a risk-taker, impulsive and spontaneous. Growing up I was always involved in or creating new ideas and adventures. I was always the girl signing myself up for dance competitions, drama plays, applying for jobs out of my “league”, etc.

And now……

Yep, that’s exactly what I do. The moment it feels like things are going right or someone is trying help me or get close to me, I find all the excuses under the sun to sabotage progress. As some may call it “enemy of progress”. I remember in the early stages of my relationship with my partner, I basically told him to save himself and run for the hills, hoping he would just do it and find someone else. Deep down, I didn’t feel worthy of the sincere love and affection he gave me. I genuinely couldn’t make sense of why he was being so nice and what he even saw in me. To this day, I have intrusive thoughts that question how much longer his patience for me will last. He gets quite annoyed at how much I put myself down, although I have to say that I’m a A LOT better than I used to be.

Because of my tendency sabotage anything that helps me progress or makes me happy, I often struggle to finish things! It’s not even a joke anymore. Other than jobs, I often start projects, courses, friendships etc then either disappear without an explanation, cut back on keeping in touch with people, or give up on completing projects. It’s always easier for me to do so when the other person/people involved do not chase or show any care and/or concern in the reasoning behind my actions. The current course I am taking is the first adventure I have stuck with all because my tutor refuses to give up on me. After a long time of thinking about why I do this, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s almost as though I try to push people’s buttons to see how much they care (as petty as that sounds *covers face*).

As I type this post, I part of me wants to just have a pity party, close my laptop, sit here and wallow. Another part of me is in a state of confusion and doesn’t know what to do with myself. Somewhere within my soul I can hear a little voice screaming at me saying, “WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WOMAN! YOU ARE FIERCE, CONFIDENT, BRIGHT AND INTELLIGENT….STOP WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO RESCUE YOU AND JUST…

 

Which is exactly what I’ve done. As a first step, I self-referred myself for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).

“Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a short-term, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment that takes a hands-on, practical approach to problem-solving. Its goal is to change patterns of thinking or behavior that are behind people’s difficulties, and so change the way they feel.”

I’m not going to sit here and say it’s an easy task, taking myself to therapy. I come from an African background where even mentioning the word therapy is a no-no; according to my mum, prayer is the answer to everything. Whilst I don’t disagree that spirituality certainly helps, I don’t believe it’s the be all and end all solution but that’s just me. I wasn’t aware of counselling until a few years ago. It’s becoming a norm for me now considering I study Counselling and in order to help others I must be able to help myself. Self-sabotaging behaviour can no longer be a vocabulary I use in my present life because in the end, the only person I will end up seriously hurting is myself.

 

 

 

 

Thoughts? Feel free to comment!