Every day I questioned why I was alive, why I existed and what my purpose was on earth.
I tried to find meaning in everything, in my actions, in my words, in other people’s words, in my breath, in my being itself.
Life became a big mush of nothingness to the point of no feeling.
I was a zombie; felt nothing, cared about nothing and was neither here nor there.
If I felt nothing, what was the point in carrying on with anything? What was the point in living?
What if I die, and there’s just a void of nothingness? What then? Killing myself would be useless. At least I could feel nothing in a world full of everything and everyone.
It felt like my life was a dream, as though I was looking at myself from the outside.
Everything I did felt like a surreal, I kept on getting the feeling you get when you’re peeing in your sleep but your actually wetting the bed; almost like I was going to wake up at any moment and return to reality. The joke was on me though because this WAS my reality.
I felt separate from others and mostly from myself. I no longer felt like a mother. I was barely doing what I needed to do for my children but with no emotional attachment; if I did feel anything, it would be an overwhelming wave of sadness.
Connecting with anyone was gruelling. Faking feelings that weren’t there was worse.
Libido levels was zero to none. I could just about smile let alone feel sexy or turned on.
I had everything; healthy happy children, a supportive partner, food on the table everyday, a roof over my head, etc but felt nothing – DEAD INSIDE.
The thought of my existence neither excited me nor did it frighten me, it just was what it was; and that’s what was so worrying .
This post stemmed from a very random thought that I had whilst preparing dinner. A question of whether my experience (and yours if you are experiencing everything I have described or have experienced) was an existential crisis or severe depression? I will be doing more research on this subject to make more sense of it.
Please feel free to drop me a message on here or via my Instagram sharing your thoughts and experiences, I love connecting with you all.
Love and light to you x